Sunday, December 5, 2010

Online Dating

I cancelled my OkCupid account in September because some dudes were getting scary. However, I'm bored, and since I'm incapable of meeting respectable men in face-to-face situations (i.e. the grenade, the minor, others I have not mentioned) I'm wondering if I should risk my life (and scalp) and reactivate that bitch of a profile. What do you think?

Friday, December 3, 2010

The minor.

I've been so neglectful with the ole bloggity blog. I do apologize, and hopefully this story makes up for my negligence.

I messed around with a minor.


Are you done laughing? Can we continue the story now?

I know you're only laughing to hide your jealousy that I was invited to prom and you weren't. It's all right.

So I met up with a friend that I met at Panama Beach last year for spring break. We became bitches for life when we founds ourselves left behind at 10 in the morning for not coming to quick enough. By the time everyone returned at 11, she had me so fucked up by challenging me to drink an unhealthy quantity that I ended up passing out on the beach among hundreds of people bonging beers and dry humping one another. Good times.

When she invited me to her apartment, I jumped on the chance to repeat the terrible decisions that spring break offered. When I arrived at her place, I was already lit due to the handful of shots and beers I had at a bar with a few friends. This didn't phase my friend Krumbs. In fact, this only encouraged her to hand me a potent drink strong enough to put down a charging rhino as soon as I walked past the threshold of her door. Things went down hill from here.

I told her how friendly her neighbors were because as I was walking upstairs a handful of dudes hassled me to come visit them. This piqued her interest and she ran downstairs and invited said dudes to come drink with us. They looked 12. I'm sorry, half of them looked 12 and the other half looked legal enough to drink, and demented enough to rape kittens.

Things started to get blurry after the initial "Hey girl, I'm here!" introductions. The last thing I fully remember is getting Krumbs to give me a lap dance, after that my memory is fragmented like a war veteran's.  I do remember walking outside to get some fresh air because her apartment was hotter than Satan's scrotum. A cute dude comes up beside me and starts talking and I vaguely remember that the words spewing from his suckhole didn't jive with my adult brain.

"Whoa, how old are you, dude?" I slurred out.

This is when the brakes would have been nice. This is when drunk Batman should have excused herself and walked back inside, ignoring the jailbait altogether. But did Batman do this? FUCK NO.

The kid intrigued me. Excuse me, intrigued drunk Batman. Because the personality of drunk Batman differs so intensely from sober Batman that it is honest to God disturbing that I share the same body with this fucking freak. Nothing good comes from drunk Batman.

So we're outside, and homeboy is trying to woe me with talk about how cool it is that he can drive past 9 now or how rad R-rated movies are now that he can go see them (I'm not sure what we talked about), when he casually slips in the conversation that he wants up on the Batman. I laughed. In his face. Straight laughed and remarked, "That shit ain't happening, child." But I still flirt with the kids like a fool.

After my third mixed drink this was playing in my head.

I head outside again and homeboy proceeds to slam me up against the wall and tried to kiss me. A part of me is like "hell yeah!" but I'm still sober enough to have a conscience so I pushed him away. His friends walked outside and tell me that they have some liquor downstairs and wondered if I'd like to take a shot with them. Not one to ever turn down alcohol, I followed them blindly downstairs. While at this sketchy apartment I asked where the bathroom was. One guy says, "Oh, you can use the one in my room." He walked me into his room, shut the door, and attempted to kiss me while cornering me. "Listen, needledick, you have two seconds to back the fuck up before I attempt to punt your nuts into the next room." He allowed me to leave and I headed back upstairs.

The minor followed me and before I reentered Krumbs's apartment, he grabbed me and asked if I was alright. Now, it's kind of hazy what happened from here on out, but I ended up being mouth raped or being the mouth rapist. I remember going back and forth between kissing the child and pushing him away when people walked outside to smoke.

Long story short, I ended up on a futon with a high schooler's hands down my pants. Krumbs walked out and yelled, "Get the hell off her, are you trying to get her in trouble?" He's trying to talk his way into staying because he's a persistent little fuck (he's going to go far when he grows up). He asked me for my name, I replied with, "Why?! So you can report me to the authorities." He asked for my number; I laughed. He tells me he thinks he loves me; I tell him he's going to have a rough life if he loves women like me. Krumbs grabbed him by the collar and drug him out of her apartment. When she returned she looked at me and shook her head, "What the fuck is wrong with you, Batman?" I looked at her and sincerely said, "I have no fucking idea, but whatever the hell they are teaching kids nowadays about pleasing a woman, can they reedumacate the old ones? That kid has beautiful nimble fingers." I'm going to hell.