Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Coming Soon: Death By Asphyxiation

I have great things to post in the near future. Seriously, you'll probably asphyxiate on your laughter and pass out... that fucking good. I should put a disclaimer before the post stating that you might die; please leave a note beside your squeet covered keyboard so your family knows not to sue my ass for killing you. The only problem: the stories are trapped in my noggin, and taking into consideration that i've been drinking away my brain cells since Saturday (I turned 21, yo) I fear I might leave things out. Here are some things to wet your appetite though:

-Lap dance/Face dance
-Cat shit
-Nut punts

Aren't you excited? I'm thinking about posting some pictures, but to keep my anonymity I'll bar out my eyes because eyes are the windows to the soul (or some shit). Happy Hump Day!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

My Neighbors Suck Ass Cont.

So, I left off the 'My Neighbors Suck Ass' post with a cliffhanger. What happened Monday night, Batman? And why the fuck is it taking you this long to write about it, asshole? No one thought that, but I like to reinforce my narcissism with delusional thoughts that people hang on to my every word. 

Monday night (or Tuesday morning if you want to get all technical about it like a jackass) my roommate was stirred from her slumber by a ruckus going on outside. She rushed from her bedroom, bleary eyed, and swings open the door to find a gaggle of marine douchelords challenging one another to a headbutting contest. I'm kidding, of course, but there were a shit ton of marine dudes outside yelling poetry like, "Fucking chug it, pussy!"and chest bumping. Meanwhile, Batman is blissfully in a coma because when I pass out, I'm fucking out. That's probably why I pissed the bed until I was like 10. That's not related to the story; sorry about that. 

The roommate kindly asked the gentlemen to keep it down because, "It's fucking 3 in the morning and I have school and work tomorrow." The guys sheepishly apologized and that was the end of it. WRONG. The next day, the roommate and I were having a staring contest (I was totally winning) when we hear a knock on our front door. The roommate opens it to find a bleached blonde girl with an intricate chest tattoo peaking out from her tank top. 

Roomie: "Uh, hello?"
Chest Tat Chick: "Uh, hi. I'm your neighbor next door. I just wanted to let you know that my roommates' friends pissed on your mat and your door last night. I wanted to tell you because my roommates are fucking crazy and I have every intention on moving."
Roomie: "Are you fucking kidding me? Well, er, thanks for telling me."

Roomie turns around and goes, "Did you hear that shit?" I went cross-eyed with anger (sexy). "Let's fucking talk to Tits McGee and tell her what the fuck is up." 

Tits McGee is our leasing lady. I call her Tits McGee because she has a nice ass, of course. But seriously, she's a blonde cougar that wears low cut tops and I can't tell you what her face looks like. 

We march down to Tits McGee and tell her what the hell went down. She assures us that our neighbors will most likely be evicted because they've had numerous complaints on file from other residents concerning them. They've also had the cops called on them a handful of times (including that night) since moving in. It clicked then. Those motherfuckers thought we were behind the po-po visit. We bore the brunt of their anger just because Roomie had enough balls to ask them to shut the fuck up to their face. I was fuming.

We reach our door and I see the piss stain streaking down to the now very evident wet spot on our mat, and I can't take it anymore. I go inside the house, get a pair of gloves from the box my mother jacked from the hospital, pick up the mat, and chuck it at the neighbors door. All while saying, "Get your ass out here, BITCHES!" Nothing. No response. "No? Come on out!"

I stand there with my arms puffed out like a silverback gorilla. Waiting. Nothing. I didn't see them again after that. They kindly placed our mat back on our side later on that night though. We promptly gave it back to them. We did this tango for a few nights until finally I chucked it in the dumpster. 

They were evicted two weeks later. The Roomie watched one girl sit on my piss mat because Tits McGee changed the locks to their apartment. I think justice was served. 

Saturday, September 18, 2010

If you relapse... I have a song that makes you feel justified.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Sleep Deprivation

I'll continue 'My Neighbors Suck Ass' in the next post; I'm sleep deprived as all hell and felt it would be entertaining for all if I post while my mind is a pulpy mess. Expect random weirdness. I haven't expressed a coherent thought in hours. People keep looking at me like I shot up heroine with toilet water in the ladies'.

My roommate placed a craigslist ad stating she wanted to peg a man. She's received over 35 requests from men asking her to shove her fake fuck stick in their hidey-hole. Holy hell, that's some scary shiz. 35 supposedly "straight men" want something up their bunghole, which means that whoever I trick into marrying me will probably a) want this done to him or 2) has already had this done to him. I don't have the funds to afford a strap on, I hope a fist will suffice.

I went to Harris Teeter yesterday to pick up flowers for the roommate for our 3 year anniversary of being best friends for eva. While trying to decide between the daisies and the sunflowers an elderly gentleman approached me. The man was missing a few teeth and also seemed to have misplaced his toothbrush, I assume, from his rotten front tooth he was pimping. He leaned a little too far into my aura, inhaling rather loudly, and growled at me. I simply stared at him in disbelief. He smiled his jacked up smile and winked at me, pushing his cart over to the bakery section. The florist snickered, so I growled at her.

I went home for Labor Day weekend and during the drive back to my college town my car broke down. While waiting for A-hole to drive the hour and a half journey to pick my ass up, I had a lot of time to observe the locals. The one I admired the longest was a very sperminated Subway worker who smoked 7 cigarettes while waiting for her ride to pick her up. When I told A-hole about this she looked disgusted. "I can't believe people like that reproduce." I shrugged and replied, "She's doing it for her own well being." A-hole gave me the side-eye and asked, "What do you mean?" I said, "Well, now she's smoking the fat off that fetus growing inside of her so it doesn't do as much damage to that hooch of hers." I might steal that idea when I get preggo.

Well, I have to end on that note. I have to stay awake for another 12 hours, people are going to frigging love me today.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

My Neighbors Suck Ass

Gather around and let me tell you a story of woe and heartbreak. I kid, it's a story about raging and pissing on doormats.  I feel as if I should provide a disclaimer before we dive into this ocean of shit.

Disclaimer: Batman is generally a nice person. Er, okay, maybe nice is pushing it, but she is usually a mellow, laid-back individual that avoids confrontation. Alright, let story time begin.

I moved into my new place about 4 months ago. The roommate and I were tired of the geriatric community we were residing in and we desperately wanted a change of scenery (which is why we moved 500 yards east).  Also, our buddy A-hole wanted to live with us and we needed a bigger place to store all of our crap (8 tennis rackets and a dining room table we never use). We decided that the new luxury apartments that were built overnight seemed like a safe place to house ourselves. Plus, a flat screen television, HBO, and a gym membership were inclusive with the signing of the lease (you had me at flat screen).

Things were great the first week. Everything was new, and I had the peace of mind of knowing that my ass was the first ass to lay in my new bathtub, and that some wrinkly old man ass hadn't been wiped back and forth on the bottom of my tub. But things can never remain ideal, my friends.

A-hole came back from work one day and walked into my room. "Batman, our neighbors switched out our mats." Our mat consisted of a piece of dingy carpet that our apartment complex so kindly provided for its' residents while we moved in. Our carpet-mat was significantly larger than everyone else's.

Me: "What the fuck? Who does that shit?"
A-hole: "I know! Don't worry about it, I switched them back. Problem solved."

Problem not solved. The roommate came back from work a few hours later and right as she closed the door she goes, "Why do the neighbors have our mat and we have the little ass carpet piece?"

I was perturbed. Who steals their neighbor's mat?  If these fuckers were stealing something as useless as a doormat then god knows what the fuck else they would do. Due to annoyance, we walk outside and do the ole switch-a-roo again. Fast forward to the next evening, the roommate comes home and sighs, "They did it again." I didn't even look her way. I simply turned the shitty ass episode of Teen Mom off, extended my hand so she could give me the Blizzard she made at DQ, and began to eat with aggression. I scarfed the sucker down in 10 minutes, stood up, and headed to my bathroom with the cup clenched tightly in my hand.

Roommate: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm going to piss in this cup right here, bring the mat back over to our side, and then pour my pee cup onto our mat in order to mark my territory."
Roommate (laughing): "Uhhh, okay?!"

And I did just that. They, of course, switched it again later on that evening but at that point I could have given two shits. Those bitches could enjoy standing on my urine. The greatest moment was when I came home, drunk as shit, and found one of those skanks standing barefoot on my piss mat talking to a marine douche she was trying to fuck. Beautiful. Things remained relatively calm for a few weeks until one random Monday night.

To be continued

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Athletic Shorts

"You know, when we first met your laziness was cute, now it's just sad." - A shitty friend of mine.

So I haven't left my bed all day. And I've worn a t-shirt covered in beans for 2 days (stop judging me). And I made my roommate go all Papa Spears and serve me Velveeta covered grits in bed this morning. And I'm starving now, but no one's home, so i'll keep on starving until they get back and can feed me. I have cat treats laying by the bed, chicken flavored, maybe i'll try one.

Side note: Cat treats taste like bong water.

I don't know the exact moment that I turned into my mother, but i'll know the transformation is complete when I consider dressing up the act of changing out of men's boxers and into athletic shorts to go get drunk at Applebee's. What I'm trying to say is, my mom's a fucking sloth. Don't get me wrong, I love the woman, but when you call your daughter and brag about the fact you've loaded the dishwasher that day... you're a piece of shit. I say all this with love, of course.

Now I feel it's necessary to go do something. To fight the inevitable future I'm going to lead, because holy shit how pathetic is it going to be when I start bragging about the fact that I did basic activities that normal human-beings accomplish on the regular? "Hey guys, guess what? I actually used soap today in the shower instead of just standing under the water for a few minutes. Alright, that shit wore me out. I'm going to lay on the bathroom floor for a few hours and eventually make my way back to the bed. No, can't go out tonight, all my athletic shorts are dirty."

The one thing I don't understand about my mother is the fact that she has a fuckton of athletic shorts, but I haven't seen her do anything athletic since 1998; when she forgot to put the e-brake on in her Saturn and she chased it down the hill until the only tree in the field put a stoppage to its driverless excursion.

This post wasn't going to be about my mother, but like any fucked up child, I'm going to blame her for my current situation. So, thanks mom, for making me a piece of shit. And can someone please bring me a glass of fucking water? These cat treats taste like donkey dick.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Hump Day

Today my roommate and I got into a lover's spat about god knows what. I was probably poking her like an obnoxious third grade bully, and she had the audacity to ask me to stop. I respond with,

"I'm going to pin you down and rape you in every orifice imaginable." 

You can visualize the stares I got while on campus. People that were sucking smelly frat dick and eating butthole the night prior were judging me. I then had a Vietnam-like flashback to all the things I've said on that campus that got me weird stares. I'll share them with you now...

Roommate: "Why are you walking funny?"
Me: "I just raped myself with some toilet paper. I just aborted a fetus in the ladies' room."

"I'm so sleep deprived I can't stay awake long enough to rub one out. You don't know shit about sleep deprivation."

"I'm not above scrambling some baby brains. "

"After I get done with this class I'm going to get really drunk, really high, and then skull fuck a kitten."

On that note, I'm going to go piss on some homeless people and finger my roommate's ferret. Happy Hump Day, everyone!