Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Sleep Deprivation

I'll continue 'My Neighbors Suck Ass' in the next post; I'm sleep deprived as all hell and felt it would be entertaining for all if I post while my mind is a pulpy mess. Expect random weirdness. I haven't expressed a coherent thought in hours. People keep looking at me like I shot up heroine with toilet water in the ladies'.

My roommate placed a craigslist ad stating she wanted to peg a man. She's received over 35 requests from men asking her to shove her fake fuck stick in their hidey-hole. Holy hell, that's some scary shiz. 35 supposedly "straight men" want something up their bunghole, which means that whoever I trick into marrying me will probably a) want this done to him or 2) has already had this done to him. I don't have the funds to afford a strap on, I hope a fist will suffice.

I went to Harris Teeter yesterday to pick up flowers for the roommate for our 3 year anniversary of being best friends for eva. While trying to decide between the daisies and the sunflowers an elderly gentleman approached me. The man was missing a few teeth and also seemed to have misplaced his toothbrush, I assume, from his rotten front tooth he was pimping. He leaned a little too far into my aura, inhaling rather loudly, and growled at me. I simply stared at him in disbelief. He smiled his jacked up smile and winked at me, pushing his cart over to the bakery section. The florist snickered, so I growled at her.

I went home for Labor Day weekend and during the drive back to my college town my car broke down. While waiting for A-hole to drive the hour and a half journey to pick my ass up, I had a lot of time to observe the locals. The one I admired the longest was a very sperminated Subway worker who smoked 7 cigarettes while waiting for her ride to pick her up. When I told A-hole about this she looked disgusted. "I can't believe people like that reproduce." I shrugged and replied, "She's doing it for her own well being." A-hole gave me the side-eye and asked, "What do you mean?" I said, "Well, now she's smoking the fat off that fetus growing inside of her so it doesn't do as much damage to that hooch of hers." I might steal that idea when I get preggo.

Well, I have to end on that note. I have to stay awake for another 12 hours, people are going to frigging love me today.


  1. I wish someone would growl at me. Then I would feel justified when I respond with my dinosaur roar I've been practicing in the shower.

    if smoking reduces hooch damage upon fetus exit then I may jump on this bandwagon.

  2. Why is it only the gross old mn who are flirting? I'd jump on a sexy old guy so fast, that's probably the problem, they've already been jumped on.