My Neighbors Suck Ass Cont.

So, I left off the 'My Neighbors Suck Ass' post with a cliffhanger. What happened Monday night, Batman? And why the fuck is it taking you this long to write about it, asshole? No one thought that, but I like to reinforce my narcissism with delusional thoughts that people hang on to my every word. 


Monday night (or Tuesday morning if you want to get all technical about it like a jackass) my roommate was stirred from her slumber by a ruckus going on outside. She rushed from her bedroom, bleary eyed, and swings open the door to find a gaggle of marine douchelords challenging one another to a headbutting contest. I'm kidding, of course, but there were a shit ton of marine dudes outside yelling poetry like, "Fucking chug it, pussy!"and chest bumping. Meanwhile, Batman is blissfully in a coma because when I pass out, I'm fucking out. That's probably why I pissed the bed until I was like 10. That's not related to the story; sorry about that. 


The roommate kindly asked the gentlemen to keep it down because, "It's fucking 3 in the morning and I have school and work tomorrow." The guys sheepishly apologized and that was the end of it. WRONG. The next day, the roommate and I were having a staring contest (I was totally winning) when we hear a knock on our front door. The roommate opens it to find a bleached blonde girl with an intricate chest tattoo peaking out from her tank top. 


Roomie: "Uh, hello?"
Chest Tat Chick: "Uh, hi. I'm your neighbor next door. I just wanted to let you know that my roommates' friends pissed on your mat and your door last night. I wanted to tell you because my roommates are fucking crazy and I have every intention on moving."
Roomie: "Are you fucking kidding me? Well, er, thanks for telling me."


Roomie turns around and goes, "Did you hear that shit?" I went cross-eyed with anger (sexy). "Let's fucking talk to Tits McGee and tell her what the fuck is up." 


Tits McGee is our leasing lady. I call her Tits McGee because she has a nice ass, of course. But seriously, she's a blonde cougar that wears low cut tops and I can't tell you what her face looks like. 


We march down to Tits McGee and tell her what the hell went down. She assures us that our neighbors will most likely be evicted because they've had numerous complaints on file from other residents concerning them. They've also had the cops called on them a handful of times (including that night) since moving in. It clicked then. Those motherfuckers thought we were behind the po-po visit. We bore the brunt of their anger just because Roomie had enough balls to ask them to shut the fuck up to their face. I was fuming.


We reach our door and I see the piss stain streaking down to the now very evident wet spot on our mat, and I can't take it anymore. I go inside the house, get a pair of gloves from the box my mother jacked from the hospital, pick up the mat, and chuck it at the neighbors door. All while saying, "Get your ass out here, BITCHES!" Nothing. No response. "No? Come on out!"


I stand there with my arms puffed out like a silverback gorilla. Waiting. Nothing. I didn't see them again after that. They kindly placed our mat back on our side later on that night though. We promptly gave it back to them. We did this tango for a few nights until finally I chucked it in the dumpster. 


They were evicted two weeks later. The Roomie watched one girl sit on my piss mat because Tits McGee changed the locks to their apartment. I think justice was served.