Saturday, September 4, 2010

Athletic Shorts

"You know, when we first met your laziness was cute, now it's just sad." - A shitty friend of mine.

So I haven't left my bed all day. And I've worn a t-shirt covered in beans for 2 days (stop judging me). And I made my roommate go all Papa Spears and serve me Velveeta covered grits in bed this morning. And I'm starving now, but no one's home, so i'll keep on starving until they get back and can feed me. I have cat treats laying by the bed, chicken flavored, maybe i'll try one.

Side note: Cat treats taste like bong water.

I don't know the exact moment that I turned into my mother, but i'll know the transformation is complete when I consider dressing up the act of changing out of men's boxers and into athletic shorts to go get drunk at Applebee's. What I'm trying to say is, my mom's a fucking sloth. Don't get me wrong, I love the woman, but when you call your daughter and brag about the fact you've loaded the dishwasher that day... you're a piece of shit. I say all this with love, of course.

Now I feel it's necessary to go do something. To fight the inevitable future I'm going to lead, because holy shit how pathetic is it going to be when I start bragging about the fact that I did basic activities that normal human-beings accomplish on the regular? "Hey guys, guess what? I actually used soap today in the shower instead of just standing under the water for a few minutes. Alright, that shit wore me out. I'm going to lay on the bathroom floor for a few hours and eventually make my way back to the bed. No, can't go out tonight, all my athletic shorts are dirty."

The one thing I don't understand about my mother is the fact that she has a fuckton of athletic shorts, but I haven't seen her do anything athletic since 1998; when she forgot to put the e-brake on in her Saturn and she chased it down the hill until the only tree in the field put a stoppage to its driverless excursion.

This post wasn't going to be about my mother, but like any fucked up child, I'm going to blame her for my current situation. So, thanks mom, for making me a piece of shit. And can someone please bring me a glass of fucking water? These cat treats taste like donkey dick.


  1. How do you know what donkey penis tastes like? Is it cooked or raw that you know the taste of?

  2. hahaha... dont feel bad. im a sloth too.

    i mean.. when my cousin starts calling me and taking me out im like WHOOOHOOO SOCIAL LIFEEEEE!

    i'm stuck in my computer 24/7 okay make that only 6days a week. coz on sundays i go to church

    im starting to get annoyed when my grandparents keep bugging me in my room that it's time to eat.

    they have to call me a gazzilion times before I step out of the room and go to the dining room. to top it off. im done eating in a few seconds and back to my room i am.

    seriously. somethings wrong with that already.