18 Cats and Counting

I joined a dating site a few months ago because I'm desperate. Super fucking desperate. Like please-love-me, I-hate-cats-but-I'm thinking-about-purchasing-one,  my-wrist-hurts-so-bad desperate. On top of this blatant desperation: I'm awkward. I'm a catch. 

I've been on two meetings so far. I call them meetings because I've had to pay for my own coffee and I don't consider that a date by any means. And just a disclaimer, I really fucking hate coffee shops. Why in the hell do people pay $5 for a cup of coffee? Whoa, they add whipped cream and a random shot of expresso! I'll just throw coffee grounds in my homemade cup of joe and call it a day. Shit. Anyhow. Both meetings went well. 

The first guy it was a complete friend vibe for me. He was sweet and interested in the stupid shit spewing from my mouth, but I was unbelievably bored. He had a very dry personality. Where I have a very crude, laugh-at-me-because-I'm-fucking-funny-and-narcissistic personality. We talked about seeing Inception together, but I ended up getting this gnarly ass flu that left me feeling like a silverback gorilla clubbed me to an inch of my existence. So, I never got back to him about the movie.

The second guy I embarrassed myself rather splendidly in front of. First, I went to the wrong coffee joint because there's about 82 different coffee places downtown. This one in particular that I erroneously went to was closed. So, I immediately thought fucking great, an asshole that is teaching me lesson. I had blown this guy off not once, but twice. The first time was for the Jersey Shore premiere. I'm not messing around with that shit, a date can happen anytime, but the Jersey Shore Season 2 premiere is a once in a lifetime experience. The second time he invited me to a party that was happening at my apartment complex (he didn't know I lived there) and I just wasn't feeling it, so I said nay. Anyways, if this was a lesson, I sure as hell didn't want to let him know that I was being schooled, so I started to walk. Where exactly I was going, I had not a clue, but I did know that if he was anywhere around the coffee joint, and he saw me pulling on the doors like I was jonesing for a mocha frappuccino, I wanted to distance myself from there pronto. I walked a few blocks and ended up in front of a community college. I sat on a bench and wondered if this is what my life had come to, having lessons inflicted on me by strange internet folks. I decided to head back to my car because I felt like a total loser. Then he texted me.

"Are you on your way?"

Ah… I went to the wrong place. At this point I was thinking should I even bother meeting this guy? I was already sweaty because I was all nerves and it was hotter than Satan's vagina outside. But, I knew my roommates would give me straight shit if I skipped out on this dude so I sucked it up and texted him. I ended up walking 4 blocks to find him and when I saw him I thought not too shabby.

This is what I looked like when I met the second guy. Mallet and all. 

image via

to be continued...