Monday, October 18, 2010

21st Weekend

I'm hungover and still a little drunk, so bare with me on this post.

Side note: Holy shit, blogger is blindingly white. Who the hell designed this posting page? I need fucking sunglasses to type.

I've been meaning to disclose information about my 21st for a while, but I'm lazy as shit so it has been put on the back burner. Now that I feel like I'm shitting fire, and random waves of nausea come barreling at me at random points, I feel that it is a perfect time to talk about that weekend of debauchery.

I only invited my closest friends to celebrate my 21st because I planned on getting embarrassingly shithoused. I also didn't feel like putting up that fake pretense of being halfway decent towards people, like you mandatorily half to do with acquaintances/people that haven't seen your tits or heard your O-moan because they were laying right next to you while some dude's hands were drilling for oil down your pants. So, I invited my two best friends from back home, Babs and Pecker, to celebrate the fact that I could now legally do what I've been doing since I was 11.

Babs brought her friend, Liz, whose hometown is my college town. Liz is fucking crazy. The first time I ever did some Lindsay Lohan candy was because Liz gave it to Babs and I while I was visiting them. Babs and I ended up classying it up in the ole bar bathroom, and Babs walked out with stuff on the side of her face. I let her walk around for a good 15 minutes and then told her. She didn't find it as funny as I did. Anyways, Liz is crazy, and I was ecstatic to have her come up and show me a good time.

When 12 o'clock hit, we decided to head downtown to celebrate my legalism. I was already pretty lit because we had been drinking since Babs came to town. My first legal drink was a shot of Jack Daniels that some guy bought me. Babs is the perfect motherfucker to have around when it's your birthday, I paid for nothing. She simply went around the bar and yelled at scared individuals that they needed to, "Buy this girl a fucking shot. It's her 21st!" At one point I stumble (literally) across a guy who is celebrating his 21st as well. He's the last thing I remember before blackoutsville. I didn't forget the whole night, but there are some moments that have escaped my memory.

Me and the fellow 21 year old. Look at how gleeful and utterly fucked up we are. By the way, that's my cellphone and unnecessary money in my back pocket; I didn't want you to mistake that bulge as me shitting myself. 

Apparently, I get lap dances. Yes, that's right, more than one. I decided to take a breather and go and sit down on the couch located at the side of the bar/dance area. Liz approached me and started straddling me, which then lead to her shaking her ass in my face, which then lead to a lap dance. After she was done, some dude came up and decided to give it a go as well. This, from what Babs tells me because I'm fucking retarded at this point, pisses off the 21 year old that I bonded with; he decides to one up the other guy and shove his crotch in my face as well. I'm disappointed in myself for not remembering any of this. I do have documentation though.

I think, technically, this is more of a face dance than a lap dance.

After having people rub their groins on me, I take to the dance floor and show all those bitches that white people seriously cannot fucking dance. I started to scare my friends because I was wearing high heels and had reverted back to infancy; coordination was not my strong suit at the time. At one point Pecker announced, "We need to get food in this bitch before she dies." We leave the bar and head down the street to a local pizzeria that stays open all night. I scarfed down a few slices (a few means Babs bought me and her a slice, I ate mine, half of hers, and then stole A-holes when she was preoccupied with talking to the roommate). This is when my memory starts to come back. After the food I'm thinking, 'let's continue drinking!' But apparently the bouncer outside the bar was thinking, 'this bitch is a fucking wreck' because he told my ass to go home. I think almost breaking my ankle in front of him blew my cover.  Since I was too drunk to function, my friends thought it would be a good idea to just head on home.

We get back, and I end up hopping in the shower with Liz (nothing more than a little nipple tweak happened). While I'm in the shower, Babs is outside smoking a cigarette and some douchebag took it upon himself to yell the n-word at her. Shit got real. Babs is a big, black amazon woman. She's the friend that I like to start shit around so when bitches are about to give me a five finger kiss I simply point to her and say, "Before you do that, she's with me." This dude was obviously jonesing for some pain in his life.

Babs hopped over my patio railing and started yelling at the dude. "What the hell did you just say, motherfucker?" He started backpedaling, trying to say he was singing a song; quoting a movie; reciting a poem. Babs layed into him and at one point a neighbor of mine comes out and yelled, "Shut the fuck up. You guys are so immature." Babs simply turned, looked at that twatwaffle and said, "Get the fuck inside." Liz ends up getting out of the shower before me, and noticing that no one was in the apartment, she heads outside to investigate where the hell everyone went. As soon as she walked out on the patio, Babs yelled, "Liz, this motherfucker called me the n-word." Liz wrapped her hair up in a towel, hopped the railing, ran over to the dude and kicked him in the balls. 

When I get out of the shower they tell me what happens and I'm livid. I walked outside, but the dude was off icing his testicles by then. This was my first night.

To be continued...


  1. Why must you make us wait!!!

  2. Newly 21-ers unite! I had a beer fest in honor, so I guess mine was pretty successful, too.