Monday, October 11, 2010

"Let me pack your crack"

My roommate has had a strong desire to peg a man for as long as I've known her (roughly 3 years). If you're like me, and this is your first time hearing the word 'peg', then you probably would like a definition of some sort. 

Pegging (defined by Batman): the act of a woman sticking her expensive ass strap-on into the bunghole of a (hopefully) voluntary man. 

The fascination with butt-play started off innocently enough for my roommate. At first, she simply threatened our guy friends with the possibility that they'll get anally raped if they slept on our couch. Then she started pricing strap-ons. Then she purchased a strap-on. Then she posted an ad on Craigslist asking for men with "slender hips" to reply for a night of hide the sausage. What I'm about to tell you now scares me the most; numerous men that replied were married, and seeking this extracurricular activity while their wives were out of town. What. The. Fuck. 

Ok, I get it. Some things you can't share with your significant other because you will most definitely freak them the fuck out. Not many people can say the perverse things they want to do in everyday conversation. "Hey baby, I get turned on while watching bitches puke into one another's twats and letting a dog eat them out; by the way, we need new tires on the Honda." Okay, I took it a bit far there, but you get my drift, some things you have to keep to your demented self. But, to cheat is going a little bit far don't you think? I'd at least suffer through the impending, awkward as hell conversation to get my spouse to do some freaky things to me before answering Craigslist ads. 

So, she sorts through some weirdoes. A couple of married tricks. And settles on a marine named Thomas. He seemed the least likely of the inquiries to skin her and leave her for dead afterwards. They set a date to meet, and she expresses to A-hole and I that she would like for us to go with her when she meets him. We both readily agree, because we want to fuck with this guy, and make the roommate as uncomfortable as possible.

The day comes and we were waiting outside the restaurant that we told Thomas to meet us at. The roommate was sweating bullets, A-hole was giggling like a school girl, and I was sitting down on the bench making statements like, "I hope he's not distinct* looking," or "Will you still bang him if he has a lazy eye?" Five minutes passed and Thomas arrived. Not bad, not great, just meh. We were seated at a booth at the back of the restaurant, with the roommate and Thomas on one side and A-hole and I on the other.

The conversation, at first, was a bit awkward; we were all struggling to come up with useless banter. I, not being one to shy away from the obvious, immediately launched into inappropriate sexual questions, "So, Thomas, do you like to have your salad tossed?" He looked taken aback and mumbles, "Uh…" The roommate comes to his rescue, "I'm sorry about her. Batman does not have a censor; she's crude." I smiled sheepishly and the waiter, almost instinctively, approached us. The roommate, A-hole, and I all placed our food orders and Thomas simply ordered water, which caused me physical pain to not comment on. I swallowed down the word vomit, "So, you're not eating, huh? Is that because you're going to have your hidey-hole plowed later tonight?" And instead, because the roommate was giving me the side eye, I simply leaned back in the booth and allowed everyone else to talk. 

After dinner, the roommate deemed Thomas acceptable to peg, and he followed us back to the apartment. Right as he entered, he asked where the bathroom was located so he could "wash off real quick." He shut the bathroom door and the roommate proceeded to freak her shit. "What the fuck am I doing? Holy shit, I'm actually getting ready to do this. Am I crazy? He's not bad looking, right? I mean… right?" I reply with, "It doesn't look like you have much of a choice. Homeboy is ready to go. Yeah, he's alright, if you squint while you're looking at him. Now get in there." He opened the door to the bathroom and approached us with just a towel leisurely wrapped around his hips, "You ready?" The roommate tensed up and followed him into her bedroom, shutting and locking the door behind them. 

I rushed to my bedroom and pressed my ear to our adjoining wall. Silence. Then talking. After ten minutes of them talking, I get bored and go talk to A-hole. I return to my bedroom and… still talking. Holy shit, this was a bit ridiculous. I decided to get them in the mood by playing this song.

Then this song. After playing these gems I pressed my ear to the wall one last time and… talking. I gave up because even though I'm a huge pervert, I have the attention span of a gnat. I take a shower and when I get out I find the roommate jumping up and down in the living room.

"We pegged!" she announced with vigor. "No shit?" I question. "All I heard was you two yapping your suck-holes." She laughed, "Yeah, he's a fucking talker. But we did it. I pegged a man. My life goal has been achieved. I need to clean the lube off my walls." "You can die now," I replied and then walked into her room to take pictures of the lube handprints on her walls; I wanted to send them to my mother to make her uncomfortable.  

And that, my friends is the first time that my roommate pegged. She did it again with the same dude a week later. He took a laxative beforehand and ended up shitting on her and himself in the process. While cleaning herself in the shower homeboy got an erection and they boned hetero style; she bled because no one has entered that holiest of holies in a hot minute (roughly 2 years). Afterwards, they decided to go to a fine dining establishment (Waffle House) and on the way she found out that his name is not actually Thomas. So now we call him non-Thomas. 

El Fin. 

*'distinct looking' is my politically correct way of saying a person is one fugly s.o.b.


  1. "I wanted to send them to my mother to make her uncomfortable."

    *nods sagely*

    I can appreciate this.

    The whole story? Comedy gold. Except for the nasty ass-plosion there at the end. But everything else was tres funny.

    That's French for "I almost peed my pants".

  2. AHAHA. Wow that story went elsewhere from what I initially thought fantastic.

  3. Wow, you know i'm known for being pretty "adventurous" in bed (read freaky) but never have i ever wanted to put on a strap-on and peg a man. And why would a guy want a chick to do that to him? I mean is it just a test to see how gay he really is or something?

  4. I would think that even a gnat's attention span could hone its focus for a good pegging.