So close.

He slammed me up against the wall, sliding his hand up my thigh and lifting it up to wrap around his hip. I moaned into his mouth as his hips gyrated against mine. "Where's your room?" he whispered against my mouth and then bit my bottom lip. I, unintelligibly, grunted and pointed in the general direction of where my slumbering takes place. He wrapped my legs around him and carried me into my room, throwing both of us down on the bed and covering my body with his. 

He lifted my hands above my head, holding my wrists as he delivered kisses from my brow to my throat. I arched against him, panting like an overheated dog on a muggy summer day. He sucked my flesh into his mouth, alternating between pleasure and pain. I knew in the back of my mind that he was going to leave bruises that I was going to have to explain later, but by God who gave a fuck at that point. 

I bucked against him and he chuckled, willingly letting me roll him over to straddle him. I moved against him and he groaned as I dipped my head for a kiss. His fingers laced into my hair and crushed me against his mouth. I moaned, pulling back and teasingly started to unbutton my shirt; his hand shot out, pushing mine aside, and ripped open the fabric. Buttons scattered onto my bed, my floor, my nightstand… I looked down in disbelief, not sure if I was aroused enough to not be pissed off about the fact that he fucking destroyed my shirt. Then he bucked underneath me and I could have given two fucks. I slid the tattered material off my shoulders and threw it across the room. He leaned forward to kiss me and I pulled back. 

"Ah, so we're playing games, huh?" 

We started to wrestle, until he pinned me, his thighs pushing my arms together. 

"Alright, I give. Now get off me, fatass," I sighed out underneath his weight. 

"What a mouth you have! You should be punished for speaking so disrespectfully." 

He slid down my body and began to unbutton my pants. I tried to flea, but his hand shot out and held the top half of my body steady as his left hand unzipped and pulled down my pants. He rolled me over and began to rub my ass.

"What the hell are you…" 

SMACK.

He delivered the first smack and it rendered me speechless. This motherfucker just spanked me. I turned my head and looked at him in disbelief. He smirked at me as he raised his hand again and… SMACK. 

I started to squirm, trying to dodge out of the way of his hand. 

"Ah, Ah, Ah, I'll stop if you promise to be good," he laughed. 

"Eat me," I replied. 

He laughed harder, "You're going to pay for that." 

He lunged at me and I tried to scramble to the head of the bed but he grabbed my leg and flipped me over, tugging me towards him. He spread my legs, lifted my ass up, and ripped my panties. I was going to say something smartass, but the sound of him unzipping his pants shut me up. He pulled his pants down, I leaned back and…

"Hey bitch, cut your alarm clock off! That shit has been going off for 15 minutes straight," yelled my roommate as she slammed pantry doors shut retrieving sugar and a coffee mug. 

I groaned into my pillow, so close. 

21st Weekend Continued

The second night I wanted to see some tittays, so we hit up the local strip joint to help pay for some betches' med school tuition (or abortions? I'm not here to judge). I find myself sitting front row to girls' labias. I'm having a blast. I was spanked, motorboated, and one chick put her tit in her mouth so I could place a dollar bill underneath and then let it go - with a pop - to catch the money. I was in awe. After a few hours at the place I was ready to get my drink on at a bar, because I sure as fuck didn't want to pay $4 for a beer at the strip joint. However, I wasn't leaving without the lap dance my friends promised to buy me. My friends didn't score the feisty cuban chick that enamored me with her ass shaking; she ended up going in the back with some dude (probably to give a handy, lucky bastard) so I was stuck with some hipster looking bitch.

She rubbed her A-cups in my face, and asked me questions like, "So where's your hometown?" I responded with, "Why? Would you like to meet my parents?"It lasted merely 30 seconds, once the music switched she was off my lap in a flash and immediately rushed to my friends to receive her payment. It was meh. Compared to the attention I was getting from the other strippers this chick was underwhelming.

We leave the strip joint and head downtown to meet up with Liz at her friend's pad. Liz's friend is a 40-something midlife crisis in process. Her desperation to be youthful was palpable; I choked it down with my shots. She brought out a fist after we talked about the strippers. I'm not sure why this contraption of vagina torture was handed to me, but I handled it with fear.

After handling her sex toys we decided to hit up a club. They dragged my drunk ass into a countrified fucking rodeo of a bar where the dudes responded with, "I don't buy girls shots," when Babs asked for them to buy us a round. And I would reply with, "That's because you guzzle sperm, huh?" Babs and I ended up fighting with one of the employees that was manning the mechanical bull. Apparently, you're supposed to purchase a pass at the front, but we didn't want to go through all that trouble. At first we tried with sweetness.

Babs: "It's my friend's birthday. Come on, who cares about a silly ole pass anyhow?"

When that didn't work she turned sour.

Babs: "Seriously, dude? Are you fucking serious? This is bullshit. This place sucks ass."
Me: "And your  mom's a whore!"

Eventually someone gave us a pass and I was on the bull. The thing was slow as shit, not really releasing any endorphins for me, but when I was thrown off the second time and joined my friends I realized that the bull is simply a machine that shakes a girl's tits for the whole club to see. I rode that fucker for about 15 minutes to allow dudes, that weren't buying me shots, to watch my girls bounce up and down. Fucking country ass bitches.

After a few dances things started turning towards the lame and we decided to dip set on out of that place. As I heading out a guy stopped me, A-hole, and the roommate and introduced us to his friend. "Hot girls, this is my friend Ted. Ted, this is hot girl 1, hot girl 2, and hot girl 3. Do y'all want to slam tonight?" I raised an eyebrow and said, so eloquently, "What the fuck does slam mean?" He leered and said, "Fuck." I laughed, head tilted back, obnoxious laughter spewing from suckhole and retorted, "I think we'd get more pleasure out of slamming each other, kid." He snorted and walked away.

We all ended up at my friend, Fro's house. I blacked out at this point, but Babs vomited up her drinks and ended up laying on his hepatitis covered bathroom floor. She also molested the roommate, and I pulled down A-hole's shirt so we could see her chesticles. It was a great birthday weekend.

Reevaluate (with Humor Included)

Ok, I've calmed down. Even though I'm still a little pissed off at myself I'm starting to see the humor in the crazy ass situation. I've learned more details about my drunk ass. Apparently, I blacked out in the middle of the day as well. My friends told me that I climbed into the passenger side of someone's car to take a little nappy-poo, and when they tried to get me out I kept repeating, "Nay!" We also went to the grocery store to pick up more alcohol (clearly, great idea) and while my friends are inside picking up the goods I escaped from the car, and take a piss in the middle of the parking lot. The roommate said, "We come outside and there's your ass for the whole world to see." I was taking a nap in Babs room and as I was lulling off I noticed the rape button that's installed in the wall for emergencies. Guess who thought it would be hilarious to press this button over and over again? I had standards at the beginning of the night because one dude was dancing on me and tried to kiss me, the roommate said I pulled back with a look of disgust and said, "Dude... are you fucking high?"

Eh, the moral of this story my blogger friends... for the love of God, eat something before you go on a 24 hour binge drinking extravaganza. Also, if you're going to attempt to lose your virginity, don't pick a grenade because your friends will be sympathetic for about an hour before the jokes start. I'm ready to try sex with a hot person now.