Saturday, November 13, 2010

21st Weekend Continued

The second night I wanted to see some tittays, so we hit up the local strip joint to help pay for some betches' med school tuition (or abortions? I'm not here to judge). I find myself sitting front row to girls' labias. I'm having a blast. I was spanked, motorboated, and one chick put her tit in her mouth so I could place a dollar bill underneath and then let it go - with a pop - to catch the money. I was in awe. After a few hours at the place I was ready to get my drink on at a bar, because I sure as fuck didn't want to pay $4 for a beer at the strip joint. However, I wasn't leaving without the lap dance my friends promised to buy me. My friends didn't score the feisty cuban chick that enamored me with her ass shaking; she ended up going in the back with some dude (probably to give a handy, lucky bastard) so I was stuck with some hipster looking bitch.

She rubbed her A-cups in my face, and asked me questions like, "So where's your hometown?" I responded with, "Why? Would you like to meet my parents?"It lasted merely 30 seconds, once the music switched she was off my lap in a flash and immediately rushed to my friends to receive her payment. It was meh. Compared to the attention I was getting from the other strippers this chick was underwhelming.

We leave the strip joint and head downtown to meet up with Liz at her friend's pad. Liz's friend is a 40-something midlife crisis in process. Her desperation to be youthful was palpable; I choked it down with my shots. She brought out a fist after we talked about the strippers. I'm not sure why this contraption of vagina torture was handed to me, but I handled it with fear.

After handling her sex toys we decided to hit up a club. They dragged my drunk ass into a countrified fucking rodeo of a bar where the dudes responded with, "I don't buy girls shots," when Babs asked for them to buy us a round. And I would reply with, "That's because you guzzle sperm, huh?" Babs and I ended up fighting with one of the employees that was manning the mechanical bull. Apparently, you're supposed to purchase a pass at the front, but we didn't want to go through all that trouble. At first we tried with sweetness.

Babs: "It's my friend's birthday. Come on, who cares about a silly ole pass anyhow?"

When that didn't work she turned sour.

Babs: "Seriously, dude? Are you fucking serious? This is bullshit. This place sucks ass."
Me: "And your  mom's a whore!"

Eventually someone gave us a pass and I was on the bull. The thing was slow as shit, not really releasing any endorphins for me, but when I was thrown off the second time and joined my friends I realized that the bull is simply a machine that shakes a girl's tits for the whole club to see. I rode that fucker for about 15 minutes to allow dudes, that weren't buying me shots, to watch my girls bounce up and down. Fucking country ass bitches.

After a few dances things started turning towards the lame and we decided to dip set on out of that place. As I heading out a guy stopped me, A-hole, and the roommate and introduced us to his friend. "Hot girls, this is my friend Ted. Ted, this is hot girl 1, hot girl 2, and hot girl 3. Do y'all want to slam tonight?" I raised an eyebrow and said, so eloquently, "What the fuck does slam mean?" He leered and said, "Fuck." I laughed, head tilted back, obnoxious laughter spewing from suckhole and retorted, "I think we'd get more pleasure out of slamming each other, kid." He snorted and walked away.

We all ended up at my friend, Fro's house. I blacked out at this point, but Babs vomited up her drinks and ended up laying on his hepatitis covered bathroom floor. She also molested the roommate, and I pulled down A-hole's shirt so we could see her chesticles. It was a great birthday weekend.

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