Monday, January 24, 2011

Masturbation brings people together.

I’ve been rubbing one out so often that I’m starting to have a forearm complex. If I wear a short sleeve shirt I have to strategically place my body in a certain position so that both arms aren’t placed side by side for comparison. My right arm is abnormally Hulkish, while my left arm looks like a starved kid from Darfur. It’s fucking disturbing.

The other day I got back from class to find my apartment empty. I did the usual, “Yo, fuckers! Anybody here?” to make sure that my good fortune was reality. No response. So, I turn on the ole laptop and pull up some youporn. I neglected to shut my door, because I was so enraptured with the process of loving myself, and I ended up hitting the floor with my hands in my pants as my roommate entered the living room.

“You were masturbating, weren’t you?”
“Possibly, perhaps.”

I don’t really hide it.

In fact, freshman year of college, I had the bottom bunk and my roommate was a talker. (Like, “How was your day?” and, “What are you doing tomorrow” kind of conversationalist right before bed.) So, I’d simply stroke the beaver while she prattled on and on, oblivious to the perversion going on below her. I eventually told her, because I wanted to freak her out and I thought it would be funny, and at first she reacted the way I expected: disgusted, shocked, appalled… but eventually she accepted it, and we’ve been best friends for over three years. 

Now I simply announce it, so the roommates know to leave me the fuck alone once I go into my room. “Well—I’m off to pet my chia pet. See you bitches in the mañana.”

My dude friends act like I’m the only female to ever masturbate. I guess I’m the only vagina that ever talks about pleasing herself in front of them. They always ask, “Batman, why don’t you let a guy do it for you? Just turn into a slut already, you clearly like sex.” I contemplate their remark and then counteract with, “You make a valid point, but I must say that I masturbate excessively because I’m the best lover I’ve ever had. Not once have I had sex with myself and had to fake anything. I’ve ALWAYS gotten off. So, until I meet someone that can rival my own loving, I refuse to dump me.” We all sit in silence for a minute and then go out back and chug a PBR (or whatever piss in a can is on sale). Good times.

So, what I’m saying, dear blog friends, is this: Masturbation brings people together. 


  1. Why DO all guys think no girls masturbate? You can't just take that act all for yourself, guys...

  2. lol, honest and valid points...superhero t's are sweet, nice blog.

  3. A. Men.

    I'm fully on board with the female masturbation thing. Once I shuffled off my farmboy naivite, I realized that it happens way more often than I was ever led to believe growing up.

    However, I still giggle at the reactions that some women have about how GROSS it would be to take care of it themselves and how they would NEVER do that. Fine. Never see what you're missing out on. Losers.

  4. So true. I am the best lover I ever had too. Try using the left hand. No one likes a large right armed woman.

  5. @Well this is awkward-- Dudes are fucking stupid. Don't get me wrong, so are chicks, but when it comes to girls being big ole pervs it blows their mind. I guess cause they think about their chaste mom (who was probably a secret skank rubbing her hooch on stair banisters and shit).

    @Jeremy -- Thanks.

    @MJenks --When a friend (or rando drunk chick) tells me that the thought of rubbing one out "grosses [her] out" or is "unnatural", I literally shed a tear for my gender. It makes me want to retract their right to vote or some shit.

    @Rox -- I try the left, it's like rubbing my snatch with a dead fish or something. I feel it, but I ain't getting shit from it. I'm not coordinated enough. I guess I could use the bed post or a door knob or something...