I’ve been rubbing one out so often that I’m starting to have a forearm complex. If I wear a short sleeve shirt I have to strategically place my body in a certain position so that both arms aren’t placed side by side for comparison. My right arm is abnormally Hulkish, while my left arm looks like a starved kid from Darfur. It’s fucking disturbing.
The other day I got back from class to find my apartment empty. I did the usual, “Yo, fuckers! Anybody here?” to make sure that my good fortune was reality. No response. So, I turn on the ole laptop and pull up some youporn. I neglected to shut my door, because I was so enraptured with the process of loving myself, and I ended up hitting the floor with my hands in my pants as my roommate entered the living room.
“You were masturbating, weren’t you?”
I don’t really hide it.
In fact, freshman year of college, I had the bottom bunk and my roommate was a talker. (Like, “How was your day?” and, “What are you doing tomorrow” kind of conversationalist right before bed.) So, I’d simply stroke the beaver while she prattled on and on, oblivious to the perversion going on below her. I eventually told her, because I wanted to freak her out and I thought it would be funny, and at first she reacted the way I expected: disgusted, shocked, appalled… but eventually she accepted it, and we’ve been best friends for over three years.
Now I simply announce it, so the roommates know to leave me the fuck alone once I go into my room. “Well—I’m off to pet my chia pet. See you bitches in the mañana.”
My dude friends act like I’m the only female to ever masturbate. I guess I’m the only vagina that ever talks about pleasing herself in front of them. They always ask, “Batman, why don’t you let a guy do it for you? Just turn into a slut already, you clearly like sex.” I contemplate their remark and then counteract with, “You make a valid point, but I must say that I masturbate excessively because I’m the best lover I’ve ever had. Not once have I had sex with myself and had to fake anything. I’ve ALWAYS gotten off. So, until I meet someone that can rival my own loving, I refuse to dump me.” We all sit in silence for a minute and then go out back and chug a PBR (or whatever piss in a can is on sale). Good times.
So, what I’m saying, dear blog friends, is this: Masturbation brings people together.