Friday, August 27, 2010

Four Loko (Makes My Butthole Bleed)

This concoction of Satan's tears gets me in trouble every time I consume it. I generally act normal when I'm three sheets to the wind. I'm the type of drunk that likes to whisper sweet nothings in your ear. "Hey, you know what would be totally kickass? If you slam this beer can on your forehead." I then present them with a full can of beer to knock themselves unconscious with... I make a lot of friends this way. Last night I was really thirsty. I was also jonesing for a heart attack because I drank 2 vodka soaked sugar free Red Bulls and then proceeded to chug a Four Loko. I was guadafuckinglupe within an hour. I don't remember much, but the roommate was kind enough to refresh my memory.

-You were speaking gibberish
-You fondled A-hole's massive tits and then bitch slapped them.
-You smoked the pack of cigarettes you forced me to get for you then proceeded to steal other people's... in front of them.
-You bit me
-You were moody as fuck
-You ripped the door off of the ferret cage, sat indian style on the floor, and then proceeded to have a stare off with the poor animal.
-You climbed into my bed and when I told you to go to your own bed, you slammed my door and told me to fuck off and never talk to you again. Technically, I shouldn't be talking to your right now.

I woke up this morning and felt my insides burning with shame and resentment... and then it hit me, dear God did the smell hit me. I roll over and off the bed and see the spot. I slept in cat piss.

I just recently purchased a little bundle of joy from Petco a week ago and we've been inseparable ever since. I love this giant panther that I purchased. Apparently he loves me as well and hates it when I leave because in retaliation he decided to urinate all over the thing I love the most... my awesome fucking bed. So, between vomiting up my dignity and washing my sheets I've been scrubbing the hell out of my mattress. Happy fucking friday everyone!

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