Gather around and let me tell you a story of woe and heartbreak. I kid, it's a story about raging and pissing on doormats. I feel as if I should provide a disclaimer before we dive into this ocean of shit.
Disclaimer: Batman is generally a nice person. Er, okay, maybe nice is pushing it, but she is usually a mellow, laid-back individual that avoids confrontation. Alright, let story time begin.
I moved into my new place about 4 months ago. The roommate and I were tired of the geriatric community we were residing in and we desperately wanted a change of scenery (which is why we moved 500 yards east). Also, our buddy A-hole wanted to live with us and we needed a bigger place to store all of our crap (8 tennis rackets and a dining room table we never use). We decided that the new luxury apartments that were built overnight seemed like a safe place to house ourselves. Plus, a flat screen television, HBO, and a gym membership were inclusive with the signing of the lease (you had me at flat screen).
Things were great the first week. Everything was new, and I had the peace of mind of knowing that my ass was the first ass to lay in my new bathtub, and that some wrinkly old man ass hadn't been wiped back and forth on the bottom of my tub. But things can never remain ideal, my friends.
A-hole came back from work one day and walked into my room. "Batman, our neighbors switched out our mats." Our mat consisted of a piece of dingy carpet that our apartment complex so kindly provided for its' residents while we moved in. Our carpet-mat was significantly larger than everyone else's.
Me: "What the fuck? Who does that shit?"
A-hole: "I know! Don't worry about it, I switched them back. Problem solved."
Problem not solved. The roommate came back from work a few hours later and right as she closed the door she goes, "Why do the neighbors have our mat and we have the little ass carpet piece?"
I was perturbed. Who steals their neighbor's mat? If these fuckers were stealing something as useless as a doormat then god knows what the fuck else they would do. Due to annoyance, we walk outside and do the ole switch-a-roo again. Fast forward to the next evening, the roommate comes home and sighs, "They did it again." I didn't even look her way. I simply turned the shitty ass episode of Teen Mom off, extended my hand so she could give me the Blizzard she made at DQ, and began to eat with aggression. I scarfed the sucker down in 10 minutes, stood up, and headed to my bathroom with the cup clenched tightly in my hand.
Roommate: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm going to piss in this cup right here, bring the mat back over to our side, and then pour my pee cup onto our mat in order to mark my territory."
Roommate (laughing): "Uhhh, okay?!"
And I did just that. They, of course, switched it again later on that evening but at that point I could have given two shits. Those bitches could enjoy standing on my urine. The greatest moment was when I came home, drunk as shit, and found one of those skanks standing barefoot on my piss mat talking to a marine douche she was trying to fuck. Beautiful. Things remained relatively calm for a few weeks until one random Monday night.
To be continued
omg!! i would bitch at that neighbor! lol
ReplyDeletethey probably thing your playing a game.
or would they think that the mat was theirs??
LMAO on your pee idea. I thought you were going to leave that cup on top of your matt. HAHAHAHA
coz peeing wouldn't really let them know that you did that. unless it smelled. lol
This is why I refuse to live in an apartment complex. I can deal with townhouses and zero lot lines, but I will never live in an apartment. Unless it is a loft in NYC. And someone else is paying for it.
ReplyDeleteI really don't understand WHY this is happening. They know it's yours and they didn't pay for it. WTF.
Kind of akin to when I sarcastically asked my friend what kind of house he lived in when he partyfouled a drink (because he obviously grew up in a barn) he said trailer. Nice.