Let's Address the Hymen in the Room

Well, I'm glad I fucked up so quickly on this blog because now we get to have a bonding experience. I'm going to disclose information that hints to serious daddy issues, I'll cry, you'll read awkwardly with this face…

"What the fuck do I do?"

imagive via

In all seriousness, let's talk about the presence of my hymen. That's probably a lie, that bad boy had to have been busted, naturally, by now. But figuratively, it's still intact. 

I don't bring up my virginity because I don't really think it's that important. I'm not holding onto it because I'm going to marry Jesus or anything; I'm still untainted because I believe in this fictional thing called love. I really want to lose it, and regret it a year later, because I thought I loved a retarded boy. I just have yet to meet someone that can rival the love I already have for myself. 

The funny thing that I've noticed about people when they figure out I'm hymenally-challenged is they 

1) Think I'm a unicorn

and 

B) Think I've never seen peen before.

Come on now, peeps. Granted, I do have the mental capacity of a 12 year old, but I have a bit more experience than one. It's called alcoholic mistakes. 

I think the reason I'm addressing this in a blog post is because in our drunken text convo, second guy said to me "You don't have to let your virginity define you…" I know that what that really meant was "You can come over here and let me tickle your belly button from the inside" but I couldn't help but wonder if everyone views virgins as these uptight, skittish mythical creatures? Unfortunately I'm a foul mouthed, perverted, skittish virgin. 

I messed up. I drunk texted second guy and asked him to come over. He said he would try to get a ride because he had been drinking with friends, and I told him that sex wasn't in the forecast. He said he would stay where he was then. I told him it was nice talking to him. He asked if I was being serious, because he why would he come over if it wasn't a guarantee. I, apprehensively, but drunkenly admitted that I am still a virgin. He asked if I was serious. I said that the hymen was indeed still intact. He said that I should have told him sooner and that it didn't change anything. I said so, friends? He asked if I no longer wanted to date. I said I didn't think he had the patience. He asked if I was trying to get rid of him. I said no. He said he'd set up a hot date for us when I was sober. I didn't respond. He sent another text later asking if I was awake. I responded with yes, what's up? He said I should come over. I said we clearly had different views on what we expected. He said I shouldn't allow my virginity to rule what I did. I said I didn't, that I was just saying... He asked what I was saying. I said I wanted something simple. He said I was making shit complicated. I said I wasn't trying to. He said we should talk when we weren't drunk. I said I was sobering up, but I agree.